


The Yom Kippur Toss

by Roga



Category: Colbert Report FPF, The Daily Show
Genre: Community: daysofawesome, Crossover, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor, Jewish Holidays, Yom Kippur | Atonement Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-22
Updated: 2007-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-12 23:43:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/817416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roga/pseuds/Roga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stephen forgives. Written for <a href="http://daysofawesome.livejournal.com/profile"><img class="i-ljuser-userhead"/></a><a class="i-ljuser-username" href="http://daysofawesome.livejournal.com/"></a><b>daysofawesome</b>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Yom Kippur Toss

  
**JON:**  
Welcome back to the show, everybody. As usual, before we go, we  
check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at the Colbert Report, Stephen?

**STEPHEN:**  
 _[smiling benevolently]_  
I forgive you, Jon.

**JON:**  
I—uh, I’m sorry?

**STEPHEN:**  
Yes, yes you are. And I forgive you. Let us put the past to rest, Jon, and begin anew.

**JON:**  
I—Stephen, I, I have to admit I’m not entirely sure what you’re referring to.

**STEPHEN:**  
 _[disapproving]_  
Jon, don’t tell me you of all people don’t know what day it is.

**JON:**  
What day--? Oh. Okay, I get it, this is a Yom Kippur thing.  
 _[looks a Stephen for confirmation]_  
Okay, so… what exactly am I apologizing for?

**STEPHEN:**  
I thought you might ask. I have prepared a short list—  
 _[produces a scroll which unrolls down the entire desk]_  
\--of exemplary grievances.

**JON:**  
 _[lifts eyebrows fondly]_  
Why am I not surprised? Okay, go ahead.

**STEPHEN:**  
 _[clears his throat, reads:]_  
For the sins which you have committed before me by acting callously.  
For the sins which you have committed before me by—

**JON:**  
Wait, wait, when have I acted callously towards you?

**STEPHEN:**  
You remember that time when I was trying to open that jar of brilliantine?

**JON:**  
You mean yesterday?

**STEPHEN:**  
You didn’t even offer to _help_. You just kept walking right on by, as my  
broken wrist and I valiantly struggled for America’s right to see me with gorgeous hair. Alone.

**JON:**  
Isn’t your wrist okay now?

**STEPHEN:**  
 _[ignoring him]_  
Not only _was_ it callous, Jon, but also—  
 _[holds up hand, camera zooms in]_  
—I actually _got_ a callus.

**JON:**  
Wow, Stephen, that looks serious.

**STEPHEN:**  
No thanks to you.

**JON:**  
If I recall correctly, you were yelling “Jar of All Evil, I’m gonna rip you a new cap, you little punk.”  
I was about to offer help but I was… _[meekly]_ I was _scared._  
 _[hangs head]_  
I’m sorry.

**STEPHEN:**  
 _[waits for audience to finish ‘aww’ing]_  
Well, buck up, Johnny. Like I said before, my heart is wide open and forgiving on  
these Days of Awe.  
Now, to continue: for the sins which you have committed before me both in public and in secret—  
and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, because _I_ sure as hell wasn’t the one  
editing my Wikipedia entry to say “character” after my name—

**JON:**  
Stephen, Stephen—  
 _[Stephen quiets down]_  
I sincerely apologize. For everything I may have done this year that, that may have  
offended. I never meant to hurt you.

**STEPHEN:**  
That means a lot, Jon, thank you.

**JON:**  
All right, then. And now, here it is, your moment of—

**STEPHEN:**  
 _[frantically]_  
Wait!

**JON:**  
What?

**STEPHEN:**  
 _[holds up one hand as he listens to his earpiece]_  
…yeah, Jon, I’m afraid I’m going to have to take my forgiveness back.

**JON:**  
 _[blinks]_  
You what?

**STEPHEN:**  
I have just received intelligence that Yom Kippur doesn’t automatically pardon all of your sins.  
You see, I intended to forgive you on air to show how big a person I am— but according  
to this new info, since your sins were against man and not God (although clearly that one’s still up for debate) —  
I don’t actually _have_ to forgive you until I am appeased.

**JON:**  
I—well, okay. So, uh, Stephen, what do I have to do to appease you?

**STEPHEN:**  
As it happens, I’ve prepared a short list of demands—  
 _[takes out another scroll]_

**JON:**  
When did you manage to do that?

**STEPHEN:**  
 _[starts grinning]_  
During that millisecond when the split screen cut back to you.

**JON:**  
Ah.

**STEPHEN:**  
Yes, I’m very swift. Anyway, item number one, three hundred pounds of Ben and Jerry’s  
Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream—

**JON:**  
 _[laughs]_  
All right, Stephen, hold that thought and I’ll be back to hear the rest later.

**STEPHEN:**  
You promise?

**JON:**  
I promise. And now, here it is, your moment of zen.


End file.
